A Channel Four Gameshow
by wrongturn
Summary: What do you get when you hide three people behind a wall, and get another to ask intelligent questions? Blind date, amusement, and entertainment. read it. I promise it doesn't bite. ha ha.
1. Channel four, now

Disclaimer: You cannot sue me for using Sirius Black!!! He's dead! AH HAH HAH! YOU HAVE NO CLAIM!!! [please don't sue] 

Summary: _this is a kind of stupid, spur of the moment type thing. Have we all watched Blind date? _

It is presented by Cilla Black. One person sits behind a wall and asks questions to three other people he can't see. Then he chooses the one who's answers he likes best, and then they go on holiday together. Quite straight forward, no? 

I am fully aware that Blind has been changed from the tradition thing, but I still like the old one. Plus its more straight forward. 

Warnings: it has some mild language, and something that could be taken as slash, though I don't really think so. ~*~*~*~*~ 

Sirius Black: Welcome to this weeks showing showing of **Blind Date!** Today we have three lovely blind dates who will be vying for the attentions of one contestant! Stay tuned to find out who picks who!!! 

Adverts... 

(On the set) 

Director: Everyone get in places people! Black, here! And we're on in _five... four... three_... ah! We're on! 

Sirius Black: I am Black, welcome back. Today we have a lovely contestant to choose one out of three amazing dates! Please welcome... THE NEW CONTESTANT!!! 

Audience: *cheers crazily* 

Sirius Black: Welcome contestant, you know your questions - please ask away! 

Constestant: Thank you. There are three qualities I like in a girl. One; she has to have nice hair, (*#1 makes indignant noise*) Two; can use a brooms, and three: cry a lot. (Audience: Wooooooo!) What three qualities would you ask for in a guy? This question is to number one. 

Blind date #1: well, he has to be lanky, red haired... and, er... of minimal intelligence...er. 

Contestant: Number two? 

Blind date #2: *high, nervous squeaky voice* Ah! Oh, no... well, he um... has to be famous... um, famous... um... HARRY'S MINE!!! *launches herself onto blind date #1* 

Audience: *Wooooo* 

Contestant: *tries to ignore shuffling and choking noises* And... er, number three? 

Blind date #3: I'm straight you prick. _NEXT QUESTION!_

Director: *hits #3 around the head* 

Blind date: *scowls* Ah, I - I mean - long walks on the beach... a caring - and - and sensitive nature. But most importantly... candle lit dinners... 

Contestant: *blissful sigh...* 

Audience: Aaahhhhh... 

Contestant: *recovers* If you were a house elf, what would you be called? This question is to #2? 

#2: Harry's mine! **HAH HAH HAH!!!!**

Audience: *stare* 

Contestant: security! 

Sirius Black: Hey! Only _I_ can do that. Crabbe, Goyle - get lost. 

Crabbe & Goyle: *blink* 

Contestant: weeeeeeell... _OK_, then... #1? 

#1: Harry, I'm sorry, but if I were an house-elf, I probably wouldn't have enough _rights_ to choose my own name! *growls* 

Contestant: Does _everyone_ know who I am? 

Sirius Black: Er... I don't. 

Contestant: *rolls eyes* 

#3: Stop whining scarhead. 

Director: *hits #3* 

#3: _Get. Lost_

Contestant: *sniffles* and... and... what would you be called -- _Ferret face_! 

#3: I resent that! 

Director: *hits #3* 

#3: Hey! Crabbe! Goyle! Get your useless asses over here and protect me from this mad man! 

Crabbe & Goyle: *blink* 

Contestant: WHAT WOULD YOU BE CALLED?! 

#3: I think if I were a house elf, I would just about _die_

director: *whack!* 

#3: Get _off_ father you _good for nothing lay-about!_ No _wonder_ mother left you for that pathetic Knight Bus Driver! 

Audience: _Jerry! Jerry!_

Contestant: Malfoy, answer the God damned question! 

#3: Oh, yes. _Right sir!_ I'd just about **die**. Sir. 

Director: *WHACK* 

Contestant: _OOOOOOOOK_. On with the next question - What' type of food represents you - this is to #1. 

#1: This underminds my intelligence. 

Audience: *blink* 

Sirius Black: Harry, your questions are abviously stupid. 

Contestant: Shut up dogface! _Number two_!! 

#3: Why the hell am I always last?! 

Sirius Black: Atleast you were called dogface. *sulks* 

#2: The type of food that represents me... is... er... is... 

#3: You can't afford food, Weasley. _MY TURN!_

Contestant: Er..._ OK... _what type of food best describes you? 

#3: Does the chocolate frog card with the famous people on it count? 

Contestant: Er... I dont... 

Sirius Black: IT DOES!

#3: *Punches the air* _Oh yeah... Oh yeah... _

Director: *whack* 

#3: Bloody hell! 

Sirius Black: So contestant! Will it be red-head lovin' blind date number one (#2: eek!), fame seeking blind date number two... or the dead house-elf number three! _Take your pick!_

Contestant: Oh, Cilla... the choice is so hard... 

Sirius Black: *grumbles* I thought it was _'dogface'_ a minute ago. 

Contestant: I don't know... it's... no... no... OK... I... no... its... OK! _Number three_! 

Audience: *Applauds crazily* 

Sirius Black: Ohhh... your turned down our lovely... _NUMBER ONE!_ Come in number one and meet the your date-not-to-be! 

Contestant: _Hermione_! I didn't know it was you! 

Hermione: *Sulks* _sure you didn't_, Harry; I like Ron better anyway. *storms off* 

Contestant: **Liar**. 

Sirius Black: and you turned down contestant number two! Come in! 

Contestant: Ginny! What a... _surprise_ *eyes dart around* 

Ginny: *Cries* I suppose its no surprise... *mutters to herself* _insensitive pig _ I'm not lovely though _am I?_

Sirius Black: Now get ready for your blind date Harry! Harry Potter! Meet... Draco Malfoy! *Reads card* Draco Malfoy is an Evil DarkLords Servants son, and is currently attending Hogwart's School of Witch and Wizardry, although his highest goal in life is to... to... 

Draco: **Read it.**

Sirius Black: Is to... erm, destroy us all! *cackles evil* 

Draco: *rolls eyes* 

Harry: It's you!!! *hugs Draco* your answers were just so _sensitive_

Draco: *dryly* I can imagine 

Sirius Black: Now, here I have five envolopes; pick one, and we'll wizz you off to your choosen destination for a whole_ week_! Now how does that sound. 

Draco: I'm choosing 

Harry: Go ahead, sweetie. 

Draco: Don't call me that. *picks letter, and Black takes it* 

Black: You are going on holiday to sunny _Romanaia_ where you can go for leisurely rides on Dragons, drink warm butter beer under the full moon, and meet an experienced Dragon trainer! How does that sound? 

Harry: Wonderful, Cilla! 

Audience: * Appluads* 

Black: Don't call me that. 

Draco: We better be travelling by flu powder. 

Black: Alas not, dear Draco! The finest, most comfy modern travel ever! 

Draco: No brooms? 

Harry: No brooms, honey. 

Draco: SHUT THE HELL UP! 

~*~*~* 

(Camera zooms in) 

Black: Not too close. (zoom out) So there we have it folks, a match made in heaven. Tune in next week for a new couple, and find out how these got on! Tune over to Channel two for a full History of Magic with guest star Bathilda Bagshot! *perky voice* What a _treat_

_Blind date, sponsored by Droobles Best Blowing Gum! In association with Chocolate Frogs_


	2. Next Weeks Blinda Date

Sirius Black: *perky gameshow voice* Welcome to this weeks episode of _bliiiiiiind date!!_ I'm Sirius Black, and I'll be your host today. Last week we sent a lovely _match made in heaven _off to sunny Romania, and today will we not only be making another match; but we will see how the couple got on!! So, welcome the three blind dates, and out new cooooontestant after the break!! 

*Adverts* 

Director: PLACES!! Siruis stop eating those rats!! That's not a rat? Well - put that damn blind date down!! NOW!! 

Sirius Black: *grumbles* 

Director: And we're on in five... four... three... two... one... uh... seven... seventy nine.... we're on!! 

Sirius Black: and welcome!! Please say _hello_ to our new contestant!! Welcome! 

*enter greasy haired contestant* 

Sirius Black: Would you like to tell us a bit about yourself, lucky contestant? 

Contestant: bite me 

Indignant, anonymous audience member: I resent that! 

Guest star!: *floats on* Loopy Loony Lupin!! 

Indignant, anymous audience member: WADDI WASSI!! BWUHAHAH!! 

Guest star!: AAAARRRGGHHH!!! 

Indignant, anymous audience member: *chases the Guest Star! off the stage* 

Audience: *blinks* 

Contestant: Security!! 

Indignant, anonymous audience member: Oof!! 

Sirius Black: *angry* I. TOLD. EVERYONE. LAST. WEEK. ONLY. I. AM. ALLOWED. TO. DO. THAT!! 

Contestant: bite me. 

Sirius Black: Lupin! Here! Now! 

Contestant: *barks* he's _out cold_ idiot. 

Sirius Black: eh? 

Contestant: he tried to chase peeves through the wall. 

Sirius Black: ah. 

Contestant: hexes Black. 

Director: *runs over from the other side of the room* Oi! *whacks Black* Get up!! *runs away* 

Contestant: *undo's curse* *mutters* filthy lay about. 

Sirius Black: *grumbles* if that horse hadn't eaten my wand... 

Anonymous twin audience member: he is not a _HORSE_!! 

Bushy haired audience member: Sit down Patil - he's not a centaur either! _I_ would know. 

Blind date: security!! 

Sirius Black: _I_ WOULD KNOW!! I STOLE THE DAMN THING!! 

Audience: *exaggerated gasps* 

Sirius Black: er... well... that is to say... ahem... 

Director: *runs over to them* hurry up!! *runs back* 

Sirius Black: ahem... yes... erm *coughs* first question then... *cough* 

Contestant: Bite me. 

Sirius Black: don't make me. 

Contestant: *ruffled* Three qualities I like in a... erm, _person_ - is the fact that they are not called Potter. Do not have red hair. And not called Potter. 

Sirius Black: *clears throat* you said Potter twice. 

Contestant: I know. 

Sirius Black: *hugs him* you really, really like me then!! 

Contestant: *tries to hex Black* 

contestant: I hate dogs, too. 

Sirius Black: um... me too!! *passionately* Say, how about we ditch this popsickle stand and take the holiday together?! 

contestant: I don't thinks so. 

Sirius Black: nah, me neither. 

Audience: Awwwww... 

Sirius: *clears throat* so, ah, erm. On with the show! we meet our threeeeeeee loooooooovely blind dates! Welcome! What are your answers - that question was to number one!! 

Contestant: Oi!! 

Sirius: *sigh* _what_ now? 

Contestant: If _you_ get to call for security - which might I point our are _still_ not here - _I_ get to say the questions!! 

Sirius: but! but! 

Contestant: you let _Harry_ do it! 

Sirius: *sniffs* 

Contestant: answer me now, number one!! 

Sirius: Oh - but - but - 

Contestant: enough. 

Sirius: but _please_! I _never_ get to do it!! 

Contestant: No! 

Sirius: *opens mouth* 

Contestant: *opens mouth* 

Sirius: you didn't even know what I had to say!! 

Contestant: and, Black, I intend to keep it that way. 

Sirius: *sivells* 

Contestant: answer me now one! 

Sirius: *mutters* snivellus 

Contestant: **WHAT WAS THAT?!!**

Sirius: *wimpers* nothing - number one! Answer him NOW! um... please? 

blind date #1: *sob* 

Contestant: *opens mouth* 

Sirius: number two!! *cackles and does his little dance* HA! Got there before you! 

Contestant: *pokes black in the eye with his wand* 

blind date #2: *huffy* why are we always classed as _one_ person?! 

Sirius: *gasps* number... three! 

Contestant: GRRR! 

blind date #3: *dark utterings* I hate you... evil... evil people... blood traitors... unatural beings!!! *cackles!!!* 

Contestant: *withering look* I should have let Lupin eat me when I had the chance 

Contestant: who's playing this game show, me or YOU??!! 

Sirius: *casts eyes down and wimpers* 

Audience: Awwww. 

Contestant: Ohhhh... how could I ever stay made at you? Do you want to read the next question, snuffles? 

Sirius: no... no, that's ok. You go ahead. 

Blind date: *back to evil voice* What food best represents you? 

Sirius: I believe that is the wrong *sniff* question 

Contestant: IF I SAY IT IS THE QUESTION - IT'S THE QUESTION!! 

Sirius: *mutters* Snivellus 

Contestant: WOULD YOU STOP THAT?! NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION NUMBER TWO!! 

#2: We would prefer to be known as number twos. 

Contestant: *sneers* that's endearing, they let schitzo's [sp?] on the show. 

Sirius: I believe honey, you meant they are really one person? 

Contestant: _WHAT OF IT??!!_

Sirius: well, then you should refer to them as 'not another _schitzo_ on the show. Not _schitzo's_

Contestant: *whacks him* I'LL SAY WHATEVER I WANT!! 

#2: personally, I like the fact he considors we're two people. It gives us _personality_

Sirius: you own a god damned joke shop! You ARE real people. 

#2: TELL IT TO THE JUDGE!! 

Sirus: the what? 

Audience: the what? 

Bushy haired audience member: oh really! 

Thinning red haired audience member: Ooh! I know this once... 

#2: BACK TO OUR QUESTION!! 

Contestant: ONLY I CAN SHOUT!! 

Sirius: YEAH!! 

Audience: YEAH!! 

Contestant: oh Jesus... 

Sirius: don't worry, snuffles. We'll make you all better. 

Contestant: I thought _your_ was snuffles? 

Sirius: *shruggs* I'm flexible. 

Contestant: *wiggles eyebrows* 

#2: We're skiving snack boxes. 

Contestant: *breaks soul wrenching stare with Black* oh, and why are you *skiving snackboxes* 

#2: *sniggers* George dropped a finger nail in one. 

#2: shut up!! 

#2: that's the key ingredient for the vomit ones!! 

#2: is not!! 

#2: is too! 

Contestant: number three!! 

#3: evil... evil... dark traitor... vampire... dogs... werewolves... Kreacher has not been fed in YEARS!! HA HA HA!! *cackles* 

Contestant: Number two!! 

Sirius: you've just done them, snuffles. 

Contestant: Number one! 

#1: *sob* 

Contestant: ten points from Gryffindor!! 

#2: you can't do that!! 

Contestant: *blankly* why not? 

Sirius: *stares for a moment* Say, how about we ditch this popsickle stand and take the holiday together?! 

Contestant: I don't think so... 

Sirius: Nah, me neither. 

Contestant: Ten points to Slytherin. 

Sirius: last question, snuffles. 

Contestant: I've always preffered Snivellus. 

Sirius: yeah, I know what you mean. No one ever called me that, though. 

Contestant: that's because its **MY** name!! 

Sirius: Name-Hogger!! 

Contestant: Snuffles!! 

Sirius: *covers ears and sinks to the ground* 

Contestant: Snuffles!! 

Sirius: *moans* nooooooo.... please... no... 

Contestant: Snuffles Snuffles Snuffles! SNUFFLES!!! 

Sirius: **MONSTER!!**

Contestant: I think your melting. 

Sirius: Shit! Nooooo... Melting.... no..... oh, wait I'm fine. Carry on. 

Contestant: thank god, number three, if you were a house elf, what would you be called? 

#3: *silence* 

Sirius: *blank* 

Audience: *blank* 

Contestant: *blank* 

Director: *whispers in #3 ear* 

#3: DOBBY! DOBBY! I AM A DOBBY! DOBBY TO THE RESCUE!! DUN DA DA DA!! 

Dobby: you called, sir? 

Director: *whacks Dobby* unfaithful elf!! 

Harry: *runs on* I'll save you Dobby!! 

Everyone: *ignores the scene* 

Contestant: What would you be called!! 

Sirius: *whispers* you need to say a number 

Contestant: *defiantly* all of you!! 

Everyone: ...Winky! ...Puffskein! ...Not enough rights! ...Trevor! Ooh, I know what they are now...! ...*sob*! 

Sirius: oooooook then! So, contestant, will it be me? Or _them_

Director: *throws Harry at Sirius* 

Sirius: ahem... I mean... will it be... - Harry get off my shoe - no, I am not melting - _myseterious_ number one! Schitzo number two! Or talkative number three! Join us after the break for the verdict!! And see how last weeks couple got on!! 

Sponsored by Droobles best blowing gum. Sponsored by chocolate frogs! 

Cue adverts 

Thanks people for reading and reviewing if you have or going to! 


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